Uwe Boll’s “Minecraft”

May 10, 2013

Video game movies have had SUCH a terrible reputation, starting with Super Mario Bros., which made a stain on the genre that has since never been washed off. And since then, almost ALL video game movies are just utter garbage. Let’s run down this list, shall we?

I’m aware I’m probably missing some.

And they haven’t gotten better. The best on that list is probably Tomb Raider, as far as just an entertaining movie goes, but the amazing thing is how many of these are credited to the director Uwe Boll. House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, Farcry, Postal AND Bloodrayne are ALL his films. Now I have nothing against him personally, or his movies–though I haven’t seen them, and I don’t care to–but they are universally panned.


But it’s not HIS fault video game movies in all are bad; they just ARE BAD. It’s hard to translate a story that’s told in one medium to another medium, and have it be successfully retold in this new medium. It’s why a lot of movies based off books just don’t work. A lot of a book works due to the imagination that’s needed from the reader. A visual version just doesn’t work because the reader already has what they see in their head, and a lot of times the films are just bad at translating the story in general.

But it made me start to think…what about a Minecraft movie? Is there a way we could get Uwe Boll to make a Minecraft movie? Just a ridiculous, over the top Minecraft movie? I was going to go with Michael Bay originally, because his would just be HILARIOUS, but given Boll’s trade record with video game movies, I figured it’d just make more sense to give the project to him. First, we’d need a story. Minecraft doesn’t really have one. We have seeds that have been planted to run off of, like the Ender Dragon and the Nether, but what could we do with these?

So…without further ado…I present to you, the text version of a Minecraft movie trailer.

(OVER BLACK)

STEVE (V.O.)

This world wasn’t always this bleak…

(SMASHCUT TO) the Nether, where we pan by PigZombies and Ghasts

STEVE (V.O.)

Only after we opened the portal to the Nether did we realize what a mistake we had made…nothing good comes from there.

(CUT TO) STEVE on a beautiful hill, overlooking the world

STEVE (V.O.)

This world was once pristine, and unchallenged…but we wanted more. We had begun to run dry of resources. We’d mined too much.

(CUT TO) A bunch of Miners in the caves, gathering supplies and resources as STEVE watches over them

STEVE (V.O.)

Acted too carelessly, too rash, and hurt the world we’d been given. So…we created the Nether…or…we thought we created it. Turns out the Nether had its own ideas of freedom.

[Action music swells as STEVE grabs his pickaxe and stands in front of the Nether]

STEVE (V.O.)

Thankfully, this pickaxe has the ability to help me create anything I need to save this world, and it’s going to take everything it’s got to do it.

[Lots of over the top action shots of STEVE facing off against Nether characters, finding a potion and drinking it and talking to a lone Creeper]

CREEPER

We don’t want this world to end any more than you do. They say there’s legend of a Diamond Sword in a place only called…The End.

(CUT TO) STEVE and the CREEPER looking into a mine to see lots of Endermen

STEVE (V.O.)

Today’s a good day to diamond.

[More action shots of them fighting Endermen]

CREEPER (V.O.)

You must take the sword and kill the Ender Dragon! That’s how all of this stops!

(SMASHCUT TO) CREEPER about to be murdered by the Ender Dragon, as it rises from the dark

STEVE

Hey!

[The Ender Dragon turns around]

STEVE (CONT.)

My name is Steve, and I am here to end you!

UWE BOLL PRESENTS: MINECRAFT. Opens this summer, 2014.


Previous post:

Next post: