Spider Jockey

May 20, 2013

spider jockey

Can we just, for one second stop, and talk about how stupid the Spiderjockey is?

I mean, in a game with endless AWESOME “villains”–Endermen, Ender Dragon, Creepers; these iconic characters known to be evil–we have “Spiderjockey”. Really? I mean, it just doesn’t invoke fear or anything; it’s just…kinda dopey lookin’.

I see a spider at night, THAT’S scary. I see a Skeleton at night and THAT’S scary. I see one of them riding the other (god I wish there was a mod to let the Spider just piggyback on the Skeleton) and it just becomes kinda humorous, that’s all. I get the idea behind it; put two terrifying things together and they’ll form one giant terrifying thing and in theory that works…if the two things they put together weren’t also the two least scariest things in the game.

They took two of the least scary villains in Minecraft and merged them into one hilarious villain.

I just laugh. I can’t help it. I just giggle like a bitch when I see one. Like I’ve said in earlier posts, Creepers are HORRIFYING, and Endermen are so intimidating with how they operate (operate? Get it? Operator? Endermen? Slend-nevermind) and react towards you that it’s just very, very unsettling. And while sure, if in a mine or out at night, I run into a spider or a skeleton separately, it’s pretty bad because they are RELENTLESS. Skeletons are dangerous with those bows and the spiders will massacre you in a matter of seconds, especially in a mine in a fortress if you come across their “lair” or whatever the hell that is they have. Boy, talk about a nightmare.

But when they’re together, it’s just funny. I’m sorry, it is. Even the zombies are creepier than this thing. I mean, they’re zombies. They wanna eat you. That’s creepy. There is NOTHING creepy about the Spiderjockey. It’s like a Looney Toons character or something you’d see on Robot Chicken. It’s just hilarious.

I’ll give it that. At least it’s FUNNY. It has comedic potential.

And who came up with the idea? I mean, who really came up with that idea? What spawned it? A new guys 1st day and he threw out his first huge idea? Maybe it was a user comment and Mojang just ran with it? Maybe it was spawned by a joint and a bag of Cheetos at 3 in the morning, I DON’T KNOW. All I know is that whoever came up with it has a terrible taste in what they consider creepy, but a GREAT sense of humor.

I mean, the thing can chase you with the speed of a spider, and the skeleton can shoot you. Again, in THEORY, it’s brilliant. Take two things, which are already individually deadly, and put them together to create a horrifying force of nature. But when I’m being attacked, I just can’t stop laughing. That’s why I die from them. Because I’m too busy laughing at it to take it seriously. And if we’re going to combine villains, put a Creeper on the Ender Dragon. OH SHIT, SON. THAT’S scary.

Ender Creeper. Brrr.

And I like to imagine that the other villains also laugh at the Spiderjockey. Like, they don’t let him sit with them at lunch at Villains Inc. or Minecraft Evil Headquarters or…Apple or wherever the hell they work. They stuff Spiderjockey in lockers, steal his girlfriend, and maybe pants him. It’d be sad if he didn’t look so stupid. He’s really just asking for it, honestly.

I don’t know. I’m on a lot of cough syrup right now from being sick. Don’t judge me.

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