I’m Sorry For This Article

March 5, 2013

steve rapes creeper

Sit, please, and allow me to regale you with a dark, twisted tale.

One evening, after scouring the internet for Minecraft information, I happened to stumble into a thread. In this thread, I clicked on a link that led to fan fiction written about Minecraft. Most of them were very generic, but one of them was about Steve being lonely in a mine until he sees a single Creeper and decides to essentially rape said Creeper.

That’s right. You read that correctly.

Steve raped a Creeper.

I Get It, But I Don’t Get It

Now…I have to ask, what would push someone to create such a sick, perverse thing? I mean, I know people who write sexual fan fiction with characters from TV shows, but those are thought out, actually developed characters with personalities and everything. Steve and Creepers have no personality or any traits. Steve mines for coal and Creepers go “hiiisssss.” That’s not a personality trait. That’s a sound.

So it just boggles my mind that someone would create a story based on characters that have absolutely no character traits or personalities. On one hand, it could be a good thing, because Steve and Creepers having no personalities means anyone can fill in what they think these characters might be like and how they may act. On the other hand, it’s creepy as all hell because STEVE RAPED A CREEPER.

Not to mention that Minecraft in and of itself doesn’t lend itself to fan fiction. That’d be like me writing Mortal Kombat fan fiction, which I have included here for your benefit:

“I cannot fight you because I…I feel that have fallen in love with you,” Scorpion said.

Sub Zero turned and looked away, sighing, shutting his eyes and shaking his head, “I am sorry Scorpion…I have figured this for some time but I shall never be able to repay the mutual feelings, as my heart….it is cold as ice.”

Sub Zero felt Scorpions spear wrap around him and drag him close, as Scorpion turned him around, looked in his eyes, and whisper, “Get over here…”

And with that, their lips locked.

See, creepy isn’t it? So overall, fan fiction about video games–sexy fan fiction especially–is just kind of wrong.

You know, now that I’ve written this article, I think I’ve reached the peak of my writing career. That was the pinnacle, right there. I will never surpass that. I may as well quit being a writer right now, and go out while I’m on top.

Fan art makes sense, sure, and I’ve seen some Minecraft fan art that’s pretty fantastic while just browsing deviantart occasionally and whatnot, and some of the products people make themselves are pretty cool–homemade t-shirts and whatnot–but overall…why would someone write fan fiction about Minecraft?

And a worse question, why would Minecraft make someone FEEL sexual? Hey, I’m not one here to judge, but I don’t look at 8-bit graphics and touch myself. It just never occurred to me how sexy Pitfall Harry could be.

So, this is the creepiest article ever, right?

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