Bad Architecture

June 3, 2013

minecraft underground fortress

Following my post last week about the Spider Jockey, let’s also discuss just what a screwed up world Minecraft actually is.

I mean, we’ve got random people living naked in villages, some of which the buildings are suspended in midair, and the only civilized people in the game are ourselves and our friends. And apparently these worlds are in some weird post-apocalyptic climate too because we’ve got a beautiful, lush forest and then 5 feet away a giant frozen tundra. And then on top of THAT, we have fortresses underground.


OK, a lot of the stuff I’ve mentioned are natural things, and I get that. The people just aren’t that evolved, and the world is just a bit wacky, but it’s nature and we can’t control that. But underground fortresses. That’s a man made structure! Somebody BUILT that. Not only built it, somebody sat down and made blueprints of this place, and they apparently never took a friggin’ architecture class in their lives, because they clearly had no idea what the HELL it was they were doing.

Let’s start off with the first major flaw: THE FORTRESS IS UNDERGROUND.

This sounds like a great idea in theory, in the same way communism or friendship does, right? You want a secure place; well there is nowhere more secure than underground. Ain’t NOTHIN’ getting’ to ya there. That’s why bomb shelters are built the way that they are. But this entire great theory goes right out the door the second you realize the structure is UNFINISHED. Not only do these LAZY asses not FINISH the structure, but they also put it SOMEWHERE NEXT TO LAVA.

Why is every single fortress somewhere next to lava?! Who thought that was a good idea?! Lava is the LAST THING you want near your home and possessions! Nobody WILLINGLY lives near lava, OK!? The first rule of architecture is “location, location, location”. Not “location, eh fuck it, we’ll build here.” That’s not how this job works. So, unfinished structures, in a bad area, next to life threatening molten lava. Sound bad enough yet? It gets worse!

Not only are these places not secure, and near extremely dangerous elements, but they’re riddled with enemies. It’s like halfway through the building process, everyone just packed up and left! Now, OK, maybe in Minecraft lore, the fortresses are supposed to represent a society that has long since been gone. I don’t really know anything about Minecraft lore, so that’s entirely possible. But for the sake of this article, and the sake of me sounding like I know what it is I’m talking about, I’m going to assume these people were just bad at their jobs.

BUT, these issues CAN be rectified. You can get a good couple of friends and make a fortress somewhere really truly safe and a nice place to live in. Maybe shrink it a bit, take out some areas that you don’t need, and keep the best parts. Secure it up a bit, put some doors with lock triggers and maybe chests with weapons and tons of food; once a game make sure someone goes out and kills animals to get more food, OR even build a little farm underground and just eat bread and dairy products! Vegans. Ugh.

But it can be done. Also, a word to the wise–and if you’ve read this before you know what experience I’m saying this from–if you decide to leave the fortress, or make a friend leave, at any point: MAKE SURE YOU KNOW WHERE THE HELL IT IS. Build a landmark of some sort, with a torch or something on the top, or just the giant word “FORTRESS” out of netherbrick so you know where it is that you’re heading. Make geographical markers or signs so you know how to get back, and make the entrance somewhere that leads UP to the surface, and put a ladder.

Follow these simple steps, and you will soon be a better architect than the moron who put these things together in the first place.

Minecraft Architecture: 101

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